Slowing, part two

In my previous post I wrote out a bunch of excerpts from The Good and Beautiful God about slowing down. I wanted to take time to write a little bit more about my experience of slowing. As you can see, I haven't been in a real big hurry to get around to the second part of this post... I guess that's appropriate. ;-)

As we learn to slow down at first it may feel painful because we are so addicted to productivity, or used to hurrying. But as we physically slow ourselves down our hearts and spirits slow down too. And as I quoted before "The deepest part of the soul likes to go slow.... Slowing down the pace of our lives means eliminating hurry and limiting the demands and activities in our lives. Then we are more likely to take delight in our lives and make room for God."

Anyway, so in this book the author gives a lot of ideas for slowing yourself down. Drive in the slowest lane of traffic. Get in the longest line at the grocery store. This one is one of my favorites in a funny way: Take an hour to move like a sloth (I can just imagine someone doing this, walking across the living room with the slowest steps possible, taking 30 seconds to move the fork from the plate to your mouth, etc. It just makes me laugh). Make one day a slow day: linger over breakfast, cut out t.v. and media, go for a leisurely walk, watch the sunset. Plan a meal with friends or family: cook slowly, enjoy the smells of the food, linger over dinner, eat slowly, enjoy the food and company.

So I read all these ideas and then realized that the only thing I needed to do to slow down was to go at the pace of my children. Wow, do they ever go slow! I mean, sure, they have boundless energy and can run really fast, but as far as productivity goes, they go slow. It can take 10 minutes or more to get from the car to the front door, or worse vice versa (insert teeth grinding here). I often find myself telling them, "Hurry. Hurry!"

So a few weeks ago when I determined to slow down (as my homework prescribed) I decided that I would stop hurrying my children. I let them explore every puddle on the way from the car to the front door. I didn't rush them to get ready in the morning so that we could go and "do something better."

Of course, there are times when I needed to go quickly. But I resolved to do it with an unhurried heart, a heart that is not fearful but is fully resting in God's goodness to me regardless of circumstances. "I'll move my legs as fast as I can while my heart is happy and unhurried." (Remember that quote from the book? It's one of my favorites!)

Case in point: Wednesday mornings (Bible Study mornings). We have to be leaving our house with everyone dressed, fed, and presentable at 9:00. For us that usually means a hurried morning of pushing. I'm pushing Elisa to get dressed, pushing Jonathan to eat faster, pushing myself to get the dishwasher loaded and my makeup on. And all this, while trying to stem the tide of chaos which threatens to flood our house each moment. "Elisa, no you can't start an art project now. And didn't I just ask you to use the bathroom." "Jonathan, are you poopy again? I just changed you!" I have to say that we usually have some kind of major meltdown on Wednesday mornings (from a kid, not me, in case you were wondering... although I'm not far behind).

Almost always my hurry is fear related. I worry about what others will think of me if I'm late. I fear rejection, embarrassment, letting others down. My kids see that fear in me and mirror it. Then it builds and consumes us in a huge cycle... worry, fear, hurry, worry, fear, hurry.

One Wednesday morning not long ago, Elisa screamed and cried all the way to church. I was so rattled I missed a turn. And when I finally sat down at Bible Study it took about 10 minutes of deep breathing before I felt like my heart rate was back to normal.

But, on the first Wednesday morning of intentionally slowing my heart while trying to move my legs as fast as possible, there were no meltdowns. I had time for joy. I laughed with my kids. We looked at leaves on the ground on the way to the car. We still moved quickly. In fact I caught my kids telling each other, "Hurry. Hurry!" (The words that I had ingrained in them). But I corrected them, "No, it's okay. We do have to try to go quickly but we're okay. Everything will be okay." And that's what I was telling my heart at the same time. I kept repeating my mantra of "God has everything under control. I have nothing to fear."

I got to Bible Study early. My kids were happier than usual. I was happier than usual. It was wonderful.

Of course, I do have to add that the next time we went to Bible Study with this same unhurried heart philosophy I was quite late and had to walk in awkwardly and find a seat while everyone watched. But you know what? I didn't care. My kids were happy, no deep breathing was needed.

As I learn to go more slowly and stop hurrying my kids, I notice that I am doing less things... there are fewer outings to the library and the park. But I am enjoying the everyday things more. Diaper changes and putting on shoes and socks are not inconveniences on the way to something good. They are the good of the current moment. They are an opportunity to closely interact with my kids in a way that meets their needs. I am beginning to delight in the everyday moments instead of rushing off to the next place.

More on this topic to come... eventually... don't hurry me!

Slowing, part one

This week has been... a good week... but an interesting week. A couple weeks ago our car gave out on us. We are a one car family, but luckily we were able to borrow a car for the first week that our car was in the shop. We thought that we were going to get our car back early the next week. But it turned out that it had to go back to be fixed two more times. And so we didn't really get our car back until Friday. So, last week we didn't have a car, it was rainy, and both of my kids have colds. So we mostly stayed home and didn't do much. It was a great lesson in slowing.

Appropriately that was our spiritual discipline assignment for our Sunday school class for the last two weeks. Slowing.

One of Greg's favorite books is The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg. In it he talks about the discipline of slowing. He says that once when he was entering a new ministry he called a spiritual mentor for advice. His mentor told him, "Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life." Ortberg wrote this down on his paper and then asked, "Okay, what's next?" "There is no next." his mentor replied.

Our Sunday School is going through the book The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith. I can't explain slowing down better than he did, so here are a few excerpts:

Hurry and distraction are nothing new, but in our age we seem to have perfected them. More than at any time in history we have become obsessed with productivity, speed and efficiency.... And while we increasingly move faster, we are enjoying life less.

Our impatience has made life a dizzying blur. And as a result, our spiritual lives are diminished. As we try harder, we are becoming spiritually shallow and deeply disappointed--not exactly a recipe for a robust life.

The mantra of our achievement-oriented world is, "You are only as valuable as what you produce." This leads to the narrative that what we produce determines our value, and therefore the more we produce the more valuable we are. What we did yesterday is old news; what matter is what we are doing today.

Satan does not always appear as a red devil, a ghastly monster or the object of sexual desire. Sometimes he simply inserts a false narrative (achievement equals value) into our minds. Once that narrative gets firmly planted, we are headed toward destruction without realizing it. The narrative can sound almost Christian. That's why it slips in unnoticed.... But one day we wake up and realize that the things most important to us--time with God and our family, our emotional and physical health--were sacrificed on the alter of achievement (or the success of our church). And we have nothing to show for such an amazing sacrifice.

Jesus told Martha, "There is need of only one thing." That one thing is listening to Jesus. Jesus did not say that the "one thing" was to obey his commandments (though that will come.) The first thing, the one needful thing, is to listen to his teachings. The world tries to pull us away from this important thing. Martha's way was good, but Mary's way was better. She looked at the situation and evaluated what was most important. Jesus was in her home, and being with him was the most important things she could do.

The most important aspects of our lives cannot be rushed. We cannot love, think, eat, laugh, or pray in a hurry.

Taking time is especially important in our spiritual lives. In our spiritual life we cannot do anything important in a hurry.

Why is eliminating hurry from our lives so crucial? When we eliminate hurry we become present, or more specifically, present to the present moment in all of its glory. We become aware of our surroundings. We see colors and smell smells; we hear hushed sounds and can actually feel the wind in our faces. In short, we "show up" and experience the fulness of life. And that includes, not least of all, being present to God. If I am to live well as a Christian, I need to be constantly connected to God. Hurry is not part of a well-lived life.

It is possible to act quickly without hurrying. If I have only ten minutes to get from one end of the airport to another, I can move quickly without hurrying. Hurry is an inner condition that is fear-based: "If I don't make my plane everything will be ruined. Life as I know it is over!" But when I walk in step with God I learn to say, "If I don't make that plane I'll be fine. God is with me. Things will work out. Meanwhile, I'll move my legs as fast as I can while my heart is happy and unhurried."

Slowing down is the way our soul works. Robert Barron says, "The deepest part of the soul likes to go slow, since it seeks to savor rather than to accomplish; it wants to rest in and contemplate the good rather than hurry off to another place." ... Slowing down the pace of our lives means eliminating hurry and limiting the demands and activities in our lives. Then we are more likely to take delight in our lives and make room for God.

Learning to write

A few months back Elisa started to be really interested in writing her name. I tried to encourage her and to help her do it without being too pushy or practice-y about it. She would put like 7 lines on her E, and she would haphazardly write her letters around the paper... in the right order, but not in a line from left to right. Still, that being said, it was amazing to me. I felt like I had a genius child. (I know a lot of kids start to write their names at this age... but you know... mother's pride). Then, just as suddenly as she started, she stopped. She wasn't interested any more. So, though I really wanted to, I tried not to push it. I firmly believe that a three-year-old needs to play... that is her work for now. (I do try to incorporate purposeful learning activities into her day... but only as long as she is interested in doing them.) There will be plenty of time for schoolwork later. Still, I was a little disappointed. Especially when I saw other kids her age writing their names.

I had put this book on hold ages ago at the library. And I got it a couple months after Elisa stopped being interested in writing her name. It was fascinating. One of the things she said was that there are a number of factors that you need to look for to determine that a child is ready to begin learning to write: that the child has chosen a skill hand, ability to hold a pencil correctly, hand strength, hand dexterity, etc. Another thing that she talks about is how large muscles support small muscles... that's why running, jumping, climbing, riding trikes, and all those other things that kids do naturally, are so important. She talked about starting out with the correct posture and the correct ways to write letters, so that later they don't have to go back and relearn things. Anyway, I gleaned all of this from a short perusal. I didn't have the time right then to read the whole book and I had to take it back to the library. But it was fascinating and it made me feel better about my decision not to push Elisa into writing. It seemed to me as I watched her that her hands weren't quite strong enough yet. So we did some extra play with play-doh and waited. And now, I've started thinking that her hand is strong enough. And guess what? Today we did a chalk writing activity and she totally loved it. I wrote various names that she requested in chalk and then she traced them (at first with her finger dipped in water and then with a paintbrush).

(Picture from this blog post)

Anyway, if this is as fascinating to you as it is to me, and if you have a child at this stage you might want to check out some of the pre-writing activities listed on this post over at Childhood 101. I especially loved this article about hanging on the monkey bars. Happy reading! (and writing!)

Tilly and Friends

Elisa and I have discovered a fun new book series that she's really into right now. They are by Polly Dunbar and they are the Tilly and Friends books. They have super cute illustrations and sweet short little stories. The book that started us on the Tilly and Friends kick was this one:

It's called Where's Tumpty and it features a big blue elephant named Tumpty who is trying to hide. The cover shows him hiding beneath a large cardboard box, with his eyes tightly shut. There are six characters in the stories, and so far, there are six books: one for each character. They are very sweet and fun to read. My favorite one is probably Doodle Bites. Elisa likes them all.

Martha Doesn't Say Sorry

I think most young kids love books. Elisa is no exception. She loves to be read to, and she will sit still through very long books with few pictures. (My mom once read her the whole original Velveteen Rabbit story with just a single picture to every full page of words, and she sat still through the whole thing, and wanted it read again, even though she certainly didn't understand most of it).

One book that we checked out recently really captured her imagination. (I'd hear her reenacting the story with her stuffed animals at rest time.) It's called Martha Doesn't Say Sorry and it's about a little otter who doesn't want to say sorry when she does something wrong. Then when she finally does say sorry, she says it so very quietly that no one can hear her. I think the reason that Elisa loved it so much is that Elisa may as well be Martha. Elisa also doesn't say sorry. After we had read it a few times Elisa started playing that part of Martha. She would say "I'm sorry" in her tiniest little voice. And then as the story went on she'd say it a little louder and a little louder. It may be my imagination, but I think that since we had that book, she's gotten better at saying sorry.

I read a couple negative reviews on Amazon that argue that the moral of the story is that you can behave horribly so long as you say sorry... which is of course, not what any parent wants. So here excuse me while I digress for just a minute. In our house one thing that we've found helpful is making Elisa not just say sorry, but also asking her what she can do to make amends for the wrong thing she's done. (Offering a toy, giving a hug, etc.) The point is that a half-hearted sorry flung over the shoulder as she flees from her wailing brother is not enough. She has a part in coming up with the idea of what to do to comfort him. And of course, consequences still apply. Anyway, the point of this post wasn't supposed to be about parenting. I just couldn't help myself after I read those negative reviews.

Another book that had a similar effect was Will Sheila Share? A story about a little girl who is struggling to share. One of her little friends wonders, "CAN Sheila share? ... When she has green beans she can share." Elisa loved it.

Both of these books have simple pictures and short and to-the-point text, so they are great for very young readers.

Parenting with doubts and worries.

When Did I Get Like This? The Screamer, The Worrier, The Dinosaur-Chicken-Nugget-Buyer & Other Mothers I Swore I'd Never Be.

I'm reading this book. I got it from the library yesterday, and today I'm a little over halfway through (thanks to Greg's late night meeting). After reading the title, I knew I had to read the book.

You see, I swore I'd never be the dirty car seat and stroller mother. You know the ones: cheerios and crumbs in every possible nook and cranny of their kid's car seat. It's not that I thought less of those parents, certainly they had reasons for not cleaning out their kid's seat. I just wasn't going to be one of them.

I did pretty well when it was just Elisa. One of my friends even commented, "My daughter has the same car seat as yours, but Elisa's looks so... clean!"

Fast forward 2 years, and yep, you guessed it. I am now a card carrying member of the Dirty Car Seat Club (well okay, that last part is made up... certainly if I had time to join a club, I'd have time to clean out the car seat.) Once I accidentally smashed a banana between the infant seat and the seat base. By the time I finally took the base out of the car to try and clean it, it wouldn't come clean any longer. Or maybe I just gave up too easily. I guess we'll never know, because unless some astonishing change happens (nesting instincts in the final days before our next child is born perhaps?), I will not be cleaning the car seat base.

Honestly, it doesn't bother me that I've become this mother. The cleanliness of the car seats is really the least of my concern these days. But there are other things that really do bother me. Am I spending enough time with Jonathan alone? Am I giving him enough attention? After all, shouldn't he be talking by now? Is it normal for older siblings to feel so jealous of younger siblings that they continually refer to themselves and demand that you refer to them as "the baby"? Are they getting enough vegetables? Enough flouride? Enough exercise? Are they under-socialized since I stay home with them? The questions go on and on. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm a good mom... just in the way that most moms are good moms: I love my kids. I spend time with my kids. I do what I think is best for them in the long run. But I know that a lot is riding on my decisions... and so I'm constantly trying to be the best mom I can be. And sometimes, fears and doubts creep in. Am I doing enough? Am I enough?

And yet, my children continue to grow and thrive. They may end up in therapy someday, lamenting that their mother was a constant worrywart, who never cleaned out the car. But for now, they are blissfully unaware of my doubts, fears, and shortcomings. A hug from Mommy is enough to calm crying, and a kiss from Mommy has magical healing power. Someday Mommy's hugs and kisses won't be enough. But when my kids get to that day, I know that God will meet them there... and He will be enough. So today I find comfort in the fact that we are all imperfect parents who do our best and let our perfect Heavenly Father do the rest.

Buying Beauty

Recently I read a book called Feed Me!: Writers Dish about Food, Eating, Weight, and Body Image. It was a collection of essays by various writers... and it was fascinating. It was funny, sad, and always thought provoking. Anyway, I looked up the editor's blog and on it I found this video. Just had to post it. Hope you enjoy!

Learning to Draw

Okay, first off - a disclaimer: I feel a little weird about this post. But, I did tell a couple people that I would put some of my artwork from class on my blog, and here it is... (and it's only taken me 5 months now to do it.)

So this last Spring I took my second drawing class... this time it was Figure Drawing. (The year before I took Drawing I). I am always intimidated and insecure to be taking these classes... especially since I'm taking them with almost all art majors. But it has been so good for me.

The thing I've learned most of all is that drawing is a lot of work! I really am starting to believe that anyone can learn to draw. It's just that most of us get frustrated and stop trying somewhere around middle school. Some people have a more natural talent for "seeing" how to convert a 3-D object onto a flat piece of paper... but that does not mean that the rest of us can't draw, it just means we have to work a little harder to be able to "see" too. The book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain talks about this and has wonderful exercises to do to teach yourself how to draw.

Back to Figure Drawing though... Each class night we had a model. We would start out with the model posing for only 2-5 minutes and we had to capture the pose within that time. They called this "gesture drawing." Then we would work up to longer poses... sometimes having up to 15 minutes per pose. I definitely improved a lot over the course of the semester... I didn't upload any of my worst earliest drawings... I should have. Sorry, I've put them all away now (convenient, huh?). But here are some of my better drawings from the class periods:

We also had outside assignments that we had to do for the class. Here they are:

Anyway, I guess the big lesson that I've learned from taking these classes is that I need to press on and just do it... even when I feel afraid, intimidated, and uncomfortable. If I had let my fear of what other people would think of my poor drawing skills stop me from taking these classes, then I never would have improved. I feel like so often I let my fear stop me from doing the things I need to or want to do.

I Love Books!

For a long time I have wanted to put more book reviews/recommendations on my blog. I mean, I love it when other people recommend books for me... and since I do work at a library, for goodness sake, I should be able to recommend some good books, right?

Well, over Christmas break I read two of my favorite reads ever! And they are both very different from one another - something for everyone!

The first book is called Black Like Me. It's the nonfiction account of a white man who alters his skin color to look black. He then goes throughout the South (in 1959); the book is a journal of his experience. The book was originally published in the early 1960's, but the newer copies have a fascinating epilogue (or is it called an afterword?) about what happened to the author personally and also in the Civil Rights Movement later on. I think that this book is a must read for everyone (especially those of my generation who didn't live through the Civil Rights Movement).

The other book is called The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver. It's a novel about a girl who leaves the small town she grew up in... and ends up in Phoenix, Arizona. Along the way a little girl is (for lack of a better word) dumped on her... and it's their story. I don't want to give too much away, but I enjoyed every second of this book. My mother-in-law also read it and loved it. It's just a great story.

So, anyway... there are two recommendations from me to you! Hopefully, I'll get better about recommending more. But, no promises.

No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency

So I have a new favorite series right now: the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series. In the books you follow Mma Ramotswe as she sets up and runs her own detective agency. It is different than a regular mystery genre book in that the main point of the story is not necessarily the cases that she is solving. Instead you are just following along her day to day life and the lives of the other characters in the books. It takes place in Botswana and the author, having lived in Africa for some time, has an air of credibility. They are not necessarily "page-turner/can't put them down books"; they are just wholesome and sweet with characters that grow along with the series. It took me a little while to get into the first book... but once I did, I couldn't stop. I'd highly recommend them. Also, I listened to some of these books on audio and the reader is phenomenal... I'd highly recommend that also.