Nora at 6 weeks

I sit here right now with a baby resting on my arms while I type. She's asleep... but if I lay her down she will certainly wake up. Nora has proven to be, so far, the most challenging of our babies. She hates her carseat and about half of the time when we go somewhere she will cry. Listening to her crying makes the rest of us feel a little frantic. I'm sure it makes me and Greg worse drivers, and it has even brought Jonathan to tears. She can be pretty fussy in the evenings too. She needs a lot of holding and bouncing. So that makes it hard to do much around the house... or really at all. But usually she can be soothed; rarely does she cry inconsolably. And she usually sleeps pretty well at night (for a newborn). Most nights I get at least one 3-4 hour block of sleep, and once she even slept 6 hours straight. And of course, I love her to pieces... so that makes everything worthwhile... even the screaming rides in the car.

I mean, how can you resist that cute face? And there really is nothing like holding a peaceful, sleeping baby. So sweet.

Nora's Birth Story

So, I had a baby! It's almost been 3 weeks and I am finally getting around to posting something on my blog.

So here she is, the cute face we'd been waiting for:

Nora Grace Brock was born on Wednesday, September 5th at 10:25pm.  One of the nurses at the hospital said that third babies have to make an exciting entrance. And if this is true, Nora is no exception. With Elisa and Jonathan labor was induced. I was in the hospital from the get-go. With Nora I was really hoping to go into labor on my own, and be at home for the first part of labor, not have to be on monitors etc. We had scheduled an induction for Sunday (13 days late - since doctors don't really like babies going over two weeks late).

So, when we hit 9 days late I decided it was time to go on a walk. And what better place to walk than up Mt. Tabor, the dormant volcano that is right by our house and is a huge city park. So I set out pushing both kids in the stroller... uphill to the playground... and then jarringly, back down the hill... probably around a 3 mile walk. If anything was going to get labor going, I thought this really might. Sure enough, around 3:00 contractions became regular. They were still far apart and not very intense... but they were regular. 

We went to dinner in the cafeteria, came back home and got the kids to bed. Around this time the contractions were getting more intense and closer together, (probably about 5-7 minutes apart) but still not too bad. Greg and I had a brief discussion about whether or not we should call his mom to come over so that we could head to the hospital... and decided that I would get in the bath for awhile and then see what we thought. 

Flashback to my doctor's appointment 3 weeks earlier. I asked my midwife when I should head to the hospital. She said that for second or third babies the rule of thumb is when contractions are 5-7 minutes apart, but that she tells people to follow their instincts and go when they feel like contractions are picking up and getting intense. (This was apparently the wrong thing to tell me. I should not have followed my instincts, I should have gone when contractions were 5-7 minutes apart.)

The bath was very relaxing. I wasn't timing the contractions, but they didn't seem as bad in the bath. I read a book and relaxed for awhile. However, when I stood up from the bath the pain became a lot worse. I almost couldn't stand up for a minute. That's when we decided to call Wanda. She lives about an hour away. The pain was much worse and the contractions were pretty close together at this point. I remembered in my birthing class they talked about groaning in a low voice through contractions, so that's what I started doing. It really helped. Greg and I were considering whether or not to call someone else to come over until Wanda arrived. But, I still thought that I was a ways away from actually having the baby... so we decided to wait. Wanda was due to arrive any second when all of a sudden I felt like my water was going to break. I stood up and leaned against the bed and my water broke, and in that instant I realized that there was a head crowning and the baby was coming RIGHT THEN. I started screaming, "GREG, THERE'S A HEAD, THERE'S A HEAD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Greg ran into the room, called 911, and caught the baby all in an instant. All of this, from water breaking until Nora was in our arms took less than a minute... a lot less than a minute.  

After she was out there was a second of panic while we waited for her to cry. I seemed to remember the doctors suctioning out babies mouths, so I wiped her mouth with a towel and she started crying (and didn't stop for a very long time). Right then Wanda walked in. She heard a baby crying and looked into the bedroom with the most shocked expression I've ever seen. We had nothing to do at that point but wait for the ambulance to show up, so we took a picture.

The paramedics showed up. They clamped the cord and let Greg cut it. Then they loaded me and Nora into the ambulance. Greg followed behind to the hospital. We entered the hospital through the ER. I felt a lot of eyes on me and baby as we came through on our stretcher. When we got to labor and delivery we were instant celebrities. We were definitely the most exciting delivery that had happened that night. We got to our room and they took Nora to check her temperature and weigh her and do all of that fun stuff. Meanwhile, I still had to deliver the placenta and have a few stitches. The nurses and doctors were great and we tried to answer all of their questions about Nora's birth. They laid Nora on me and covered us up with warm blankets to try and get her temperature up (she had gotten a little chilled through the whole ordeal). At some point Nora also started grunting a little with each breath. The nurse was a little concerned by this but said that sometimes this happens when babies don't get a good squeeze coming out. Finally around 3am most of the nurses left and we were able to try and get some sleep. 

Sleep was short-lived though. Throughout the night they checked on Nora fairly frequently. In the morning one of the nurses noticed that Nora looked a little blue around the mouth. Her blood oxygen level was low and so they took her up to the nursery to check her out and try to figure out the cause of the problem. Poor baby... she was hooked up to all kinds of things. Pretty quickly they ruled out any heart or lung problems. But they were concerned that she may have an infection. So they started her on a course of antibiotics. We knew at that point that we would be staying in the hospital for at least 2 more days and possibly 5 more.

It was a bit of a rough go in the hospital. I couldn't really hold Nora easily. Nursing didn't go well. Nora  just wanted to sleep. I felt out of my element in trying to deal with all of the various cords and tubes that were attached to her. A lot of times when I was trying to nurse her, I ended up having to do what they call "finger feeding." That is where you stimulate the sucking reflex by putting your finger in the baby's mouth and then slowly drop in milk with a small syringe. Nursing/feeding sessions could take an hour and a half and at the end Nora would have drunk less than a teaspoon of milk.

They discharged me from the hospital on Friday, but let me stay just down the hall in a boarder's room so that I could be there to feed Nora. The next day they did another set of blood work. The first time her blood work had been (in the words of the doctor) "pretty crummy." But this time it came back "perfect" which surprised the doctor. And so on Saturday afternoon we were able to bring Nora home. I was so glad to get home to Jonathan and Leesi, and of course, Greg. And I think Nora was glad to get home too. The first night we were home she totally figured out how to nurse.

So everyone wants to know how the older kids are doing with the transition. Elisa is a total pro at being a big sister. She loves having a baby around. Jonathan seems to be doing well too. It's still an adjustment though... Nora takes a lot of Mommy's time. And now that Elisa has started preschool, I think it is hardest for Jonathan. He lost a lot of Mom attention, and now his best playmate is gone 3 mornings a week.

Greg and I are slowly remembering how to parent a newborn, and learning what it looks like to be a family of five. We are pretty smitten with Nora. We're trying to savor the newborn stage, but looking forward to nights with a little more sleep too.

So that's the story. Moral of the story: better to go to the hospital a little too soon, than a little too late!

Jonathan playing "I Spy"

Jonathan: I pie wi ma w'il eye some tin... fan! (clearly looking at the white ceiling fan)

Me: Something fan? Do you mean something white?

Jonathan: Some tin white.

Elisa: Is it the fan?

Jonathan: nooo

Elisa: Is it the door?

Jonathan: nooo ... It da boo bag!

Us: Oh, the blue bag!

Slowing, part two

In my previous post I wrote out a bunch of excerpts from The Good and Beautiful God about slowing down. I wanted to take time to write a little bit more about my experience of slowing. As you can see, I haven't been in a real big hurry to get around to the second part of this post... I guess that's appropriate. ;-)

As we learn to slow down at first it may feel painful because we are so addicted to productivity, or used to hurrying. But as we physically slow ourselves down our hearts and spirits slow down too. And as I quoted before "The deepest part of the soul likes to go slow.... Slowing down the pace of our lives means eliminating hurry and limiting the demands and activities in our lives. Then we are more likely to take delight in our lives and make room for God."

Anyway, so in this book the author gives a lot of ideas for slowing yourself down. Drive in the slowest lane of traffic. Get in the longest line at the grocery store. This one is one of my favorites in a funny way: Take an hour to move like a sloth (I can just imagine someone doing this, walking across the living room with the slowest steps possible, taking 30 seconds to move the fork from the plate to your mouth, etc. It just makes me laugh). Make one day a slow day: linger over breakfast, cut out t.v. and media, go for a leisurely walk, watch the sunset. Plan a meal with friends or family: cook slowly, enjoy the smells of the food, linger over dinner, eat slowly, enjoy the food and company.

So I read all these ideas and then realized that the only thing I needed to do to slow down was to go at the pace of my children. Wow, do they ever go slow! I mean, sure, they have boundless energy and can run really fast, but as far as productivity goes, they go slow. It can take 10 minutes or more to get from the car to the front door, or worse vice versa (insert teeth grinding here). I often find myself telling them, "Hurry. Hurry!"

So a few weeks ago when I determined to slow down (as my homework prescribed) I decided that I would stop hurrying my children. I let them explore every puddle on the way from the car to the front door. I didn't rush them to get ready in the morning so that we could go and "do something better."

Of course, there are times when I needed to go quickly. But I resolved to do it with an unhurried heart, a heart that is not fearful but is fully resting in God's goodness to me regardless of circumstances. "I'll move my legs as fast as I can while my heart is happy and unhurried." (Remember that quote from the book? It's one of my favorites!)

Case in point: Wednesday mornings (Bible Study mornings). We have to be leaving our house with everyone dressed, fed, and presentable at 9:00. For us that usually means a hurried morning of pushing. I'm pushing Elisa to get dressed, pushing Jonathan to eat faster, pushing myself to get the dishwasher loaded and my makeup on. And all this, while trying to stem the tide of chaos which threatens to flood our house each moment. "Elisa, no you can't start an art project now. And didn't I just ask you to use the bathroom." "Jonathan, are you poopy again? I just changed you!" I have to say that we usually have some kind of major meltdown on Wednesday mornings (from a kid, not me, in case you were wondering... although I'm not far behind).

Almost always my hurry is fear related. I worry about what others will think of me if I'm late. I fear rejection, embarrassment, letting others down. My kids see that fear in me and mirror it. Then it builds and consumes us in a huge cycle... worry, fear, hurry, worry, fear, hurry.

One Wednesday morning not long ago, Elisa screamed and cried all the way to church. I was so rattled I missed a turn. And when I finally sat down at Bible Study it took about 10 minutes of deep breathing before I felt like my heart rate was back to normal.

But, on the first Wednesday morning of intentionally slowing my heart while trying to move my legs as fast as possible, there were no meltdowns. I had time for joy. I laughed with my kids. We looked at leaves on the ground on the way to the car. We still moved quickly. In fact I caught my kids telling each other, "Hurry. Hurry!" (The words that I had ingrained in them). But I corrected them, "No, it's okay. We do have to try to go quickly but we're okay. Everything will be okay." And that's what I was telling my heart at the same time. I kept repeating my mantra of "God has everything under control. I have nothing to fear."

I got to Bible Study early. My kids were happier than usual. I was happier than usual. It was wonderful.

Of course, I do have to add that the next time we went to Bible Study with this same unhurried heart philosophy I was quite late and had to walk in awkwardly and find a seat while everyone watched. But you know what? I didn't care. My kids were happy, no deep breathing was needed.

As I learn to go more slowly and stop hurrying my kids, I notice that I am doing less things... there are fewer outings to the library and the park. But I am enjoying the everyday things more. Diaper changes and putting on shoes and socks are not inconveniences on the way to something good. They are the good of the current moment. They are an opportunity to closely interact with my kids in a way that meets their needs. I am beginning to delight in the everyday moments instead of rushing off to the next place.

More on this topic to come... eventually... don't hurry me!

Learning to write

A few months back Elisa started to be really interested in writing her name. I tried to encourage her and to help her do it without being too pushy or practice-y about it. She would put like 7 lines on her E, and she would haphazardly write her letters around the paper... in the right order, but not in a line from left to right. Still, that being said, it was amazing to me. I felt like I had a genius child. (I know a lot of kids start to write their names at this age... but you know... mother's pride). Then, just as suddenly as she started, she stopped. She wasn't interested any more. So, though I really wanted to, I tried not to push it. I firmly believe that a three-year-old needs to play... that is her work for now. (I do try to incorporate purposeful learning activities into her day... but only as long as she is interested in doing them.) There will be plenty of time for schoolwork later. Still, I was a little disappointed. Especially when I saw other kids her age writing their names.

I had put this book on hold ages ago at the library. And I got it a couple months after Elisa stopped being interested in writing her name. It was fascinating. One of the things she said was that there are a number of factors that you need to look for to determine that a child is ready to begin learning to write: that the child has chosen a skill hand, ability to hold a pencil correctly, hand strength, hand dexterity, etc. Another thing that she talks about is how large muscles support small muscles... that's why running, jumping, climbing, riding trikes, and all those other things that kids do naturally, are so important. She talked about starting out with the correct posture and the correct ways to write letters, so that later they don't have to go back and relearn things. Anyway, I gleaned all of this from a short perusal. I didn't have the time right then to read the whole book and I had to take it back to the library. But it was fascinating and it made me feel better about my decision not to push Elisa into writing. It seemed to me as I watched her that her hands weren't quite strong enough yet. So we did some extra play with play-doh and waited. And now, I've started thinking that her hand is strong enough. And guess what? Today we did a chalk writing activity and she totally loved it. I wrote various names that she requested in chalk and then she traced them (at first with her finger dipped in water and then with a paintbrush).

(Picture from this blog post)

Anyway, if this is as fascinating to you as it is to me, and if you have a child at this stage you might want to check out some of the pre-writing activities listed on this post over at Childhood 101. I especially loved this article about hanging on the monkey bars. Happy reading! (and writing!)

Water play

My friend Becca, knowing that Greg was going to be gone a lot in July, put together a little water-play kit for the kids. She wanted me to have something to get out for them that I didn't have to generate myself. She bought a big aluminum turkey roasting pan, a silver goblet and tray, a copper kettle, a bunch of pretty glass and natural stones, and some little plastic water animals. I got it out the other day and the kids had so much fun! Elisa played with it first... before long she had taken off all of her clothes so that she could play freely without worrying about getting her clothes wet. I think she really wanted to climb right in herself... but I assured her that she wouldn't fit. Jonathan played with it next. He had so much fun, pouring and scooping rocks. I think another option might be to use it outside... maybe in our little blow-up pool. Then they could really get into it, literally.

Summer

I love summer. Life just seems a little more carefree. Of course, it doesn't hurt that Greg has June and July off.

This picture kind of sums up some of the things I love about summer: impromptu grilling and eating outside, kids in swimsuits splashing in tiny blow-up pools, carefree afternoons and evenings. It was taken during a lovely family evening. The kids splashed outside and then started watering our "garden" with their tiny watering cans. They rode up and down the sidewalk on their trikes. Greg grilled and we ate these wonderful chicken garlic sausages, and hung out in our lawn chairs. It was one of those beautiful family times that you can't force, but sneaks up on you with its beauty and leaves you smiling for weeks afterwards whenever you remember it.

Swimming lessons

So, Elisa is taking swimming lessons.

When I first signed her up for swim lessons I was so excited. She loves the water and loves going swimming. And, since it is May, Greg has a more flexible schedule and is able to watch Jonathan while we go to the pool. So I was picturing this great little Mom and daughter date twice a week: a fun little excursion to the pool where Elisa splashes and plays with the other kids while I talk to a mom friend of mine (whose kids are also in swim lessons).

That is not how it has really turned out.

We just attended our fifth lesson today. Elisa has now been in the pool two times, each time for roughly two minutes. The rest of the time she sits on the wall and watches, and tries not to get splashed in the face.

She is interested in what her class is doing. And at first she was excited... but her timidity outweighed her desire to get into the water. Her class is full of exuberant boys and taught by a male teacher. So I wasn't too surprised when she didn't jump in the water right at first. I figured it would just take her awhile to warm up to her teacher.

But now it has been five sessions. And I'm starting to think that it just may not happen. We are over halfway through (nine sessions total), and I am afraid that she has grown comfortable sitting on the wall... and won't go out of her comfort zone, even to experience the fun games in the water.

It makes me so sad.

I feel like she's totally missing out. And I know she could really like it and have fun, if she was willing to try it.

I've thought A LOT about what my response to this should be. I've thought through my options: verbal pressure, bribery, threats, dropping out, going and acting like it doesn't matter whether she gets in or not, letting her be totally on her own while at the pool, sitting next to her on the edge and encouraging her to try different games... etc. etc. etc.

After a lot of thought I decided that she needs to deal with it on her own. No matter how it turns out... even if she sits on the wall for the entire nine sessions. I don't know if this is the right decision or not. But I know that for her personality it seems to make the most sense. She is fairly shy toward new people and in new settings. She has to be allowed to go at her own pace or she just kind of shuts down. She certainly has a will, and if she decides that she doesn't want to do something, she's not going to do it... at least, not without a battle. I don't want to make swimming some kind of discipline issue. There is something about this situation that is extremely hard for her. (I know this because she fell asleep during rest time after her first two swim classes and she never really takes a nap anymore.) And I decided against any artificial reward system because I think that if she is able to conquer her fear and get in the water, swimming will be it's own reward. If I institute some kind of fake reward it kind of takes away her victory and makes it about something else.

We have her blow bubbles in the tub. We talk about her teacher and the games that she "plays" at the pool. I've ordered some books about swimming from the library. We've gone swimming at the same pool as a family (and we'll try to do this a couple more times). I'm doing anything I can to make her comfortable with the idea of swimming lessons.

But now it's up to her, and I'm afraid she won't get in the pool. It's so hard to sit and watch your kid get left behind. But in this case I have to remind myself, she will learn to swim someday (just maybe not this year), she will learn how to talk to a teacher. This is not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

And now I'm starting to think that in swimming lessons what is important is not what Elisa does or doesn't do, but what I teach her through my response to her. In other words, I thought I was signing up for swimming lessons, but what I was really signing up for was parenting lessons.

Bean play

A few weeks ago Jonathan and Elisa got up from their naps to discover this:

They dove right in, and let me tell you, the beans did not stay in the bin for long!

I had been meaning to do this for awhile. A friend had mentioned doing something similar with one of her kids, I had tons of dry beans and lentils on hand, and I grew really inspired by a few posts on invitations to play at Childhood 101.

Afterwards clean up was fairly simple. We just dumped the beans into a big container to save for another day, folded up the cloth underneath, and vacuumed.

The next day Elisa wanted to do another "bean play." (Just so you know, we didn't do it.) Elisa still mentions it periodically. I guess we'll have to do it again soon!

There was a little girl...

Last week I started this post...

Ever have one of those days where you doubt in every way your parenting abilities... those days where you are sure that no child in the history of the world has ever behaved so badly and still turned out to be a productive human being?

It was one of those days. Monday was also one of those days.

I feel discouraged.

I then launched into a description of Elisa's behavior. But then I got lost in that, and wasn't quite sure how to wrap up the post. Now, a week later, I feel like I have adequate perspective to be able to finish this post.

The truth is that all of last week was pretty bad. Elisa had many, many time outs last week. She screamed loudly throughout most of these time outs. For some of them, I had to hold her door closed, while she tried wildly to pull it open from the other side. I could go on and on about her bad behavior, but I'll probably get lost in the descriptions again, and never finish the post. So let's just leave it at that.

Monday morning she woke up, a new person. She has been a total sweetheart for most of the week: obedient, loving, kind, fun. Today she had a couple rough patches, but it was a busy whirlwind of a day... so nothing unusual.

She reminds me of the poem about the little girl with a little curl right in the middle of her forehead: when she was good, she was very, very good; and when she was bad, she was horrid.

Parenting is hard, isn't it?

This is the first three year old I've had... so I'm still figuring out how to go about parenting a three year old. I remember a mom telling me, before I had kids, "Read all you can about parenting now, because once you have kids, it's all on the job training." It's really true. As soon as you kind of "figure out" one stage, you're onto the next... and each kid is different. So, while you can learn from the first kid, you still have to readjust your strategies for the next.

Right now I'm reading 1-2-3 Magic. It's a book about discipline and it's given me some good ideas and advice. I'm almost finished with it, and then I'm going to start implementing it. Maybe I'll post more about this later (no promises).

Anyway, thanks for making it this far through my ramblings. I think I just needed to get some of that off my chest. Last week when Elisa was acting so terribly I really did feel alone. I missed all the moms in Arkansas that I used to get together with. I felt like everyone was honest with each other about how our children were (or weren't) behaving... and I just needed someone to tell me, "My kid does that too."

Martha Doesn't Say Sorry

I think most young kids love books. Elisa is no exception. She loves to be read to, and she will sit still through very long books with few pictures. (My mom once read her the whole original Velveteen Rabbit story with just a single picture to every full page of words, and she sat still through the whole thing, and wanted it read again, even though she certainly didn't understand most of it).

One book that we checked out recently really captured her imagination. (I'd hear her reenacting the story with her stuffed animals at rest time.) It's called Martha Doesn't Say Sorry and it's about a little otter who doesn't want to say sorry when she does something wrong. Then when she finally does say sorry, she says it so very quietly that no one can hear her. I think the reason that Elisa loved it so much is that Elisa may as well be Martha. Elisa also doesn't say sorry. After we had read it a few times Elisa started playing that part of Martha. She would say "I'm sorry" in her tiniest little voice. And then as the story went on she'd say it a little louder and a little louder. It may be my imagination, but I think that since we had that book, she's gotten better at saying sorry.

I read a couple negative reviews on Amazon that argue that the moral of the story is that you can behave horribly so long as you say sorry... which is of course, not what any parent wants. So here excuse me while I digress for just a minute. In our house one thing that we've found helpful is making Elisa not just say sorry, but also asking her what she can do to make amends for the wrong thing she's done. (Offering a toy, giving a hug, etc.) The point is that a half-hearted sorry flung over the shoulder as she flees from her wailing brother is not enough. She has a part in coming up with the idea of what to do to comfort him. And of course, consequences still apply. Anyway, the point of this post wasn't supposed to be about parenting. I just couldn't help myself after I read those negative reviews.

Another book that had a similar effect was Will Sheila Share? A story about a little girl who is struggling to share. One of her little friends wonders, "CAN Sheila share? ... When she has green beans she can share." Elisa loved it.

Both of these books have simple pictures and short and to-the-point text, so they are great for very young readers.

Mommy is my occupation

Lately Elisa has been listening to this CD from the library entitled, Free To Be You and Me. It's a CD that first came out in 1973 and it is very agenda driven. It asserts through poems, songs and stories that women are indeed equal to men, that girls and boys can be anything they want when they grow up etc. etc. It is pretty amusing, a lot of the stories are downright funny (for adults that is, Elisa doesn't get the stories at all). Now I am sure that back in the 70's this was needed. But now it is apparent that perhaps the pendulum had to swing a little too far in order for them to assert their point.

Anyway, another thing Elisa has been into lately is Richard Scarry books. You know the ones: tons of detailed pictures on each page, usually involving animals doing things around town, in an airport, at home etc. So I checked out a Richard Scarry DVD for her from the library. And wow! She loved it! The theme of the video is "What do people do all day?" And it is about different occupations. At the end of the video there is a song that starts, "You can be anything you want to be..."

So, now I have set the stage for the following conversation that occurred yesterday over lunch...

Elisa: "Mommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Me: "I want to be a mommy."

Elisa: (regards me carefully for a moment and then, clearly unsatisfied by my answer says) "No." "What do you want to be?" (sees that I am eating a carrot) "Maybe a carrot-eater?" (This comes from a Richard Scarry book where Lowly worm says that he'd like to be a apple-pie-eater when he grows up, and the narrator says, "Well, I think that is very nice work indeed.")

Me: "Sure, I'd like to be a carrot-eater."

Elisa: (pleased with my new answer) "I want to be a cake decorator."

Me: "Do you know what a cake decorator does?"

Elisa: "Yes, she puts the flowers behind the cakes and then takes them for birthdays." She then launches into "Happy Birthday" to Jonathan, which he fully appreciates.

It's so funny having this conversation with my just turned three-year-old. And it dawns on me that she already recognizes the potential to "be" something when she grows up. She takes for granted that she will be a mommy. Of course she will be a mommy. But now she is realizing that she could also do something else too. And the potential! The sky is the limit when you are three!

But for me, now that I am thirty-one... well, I guess I'll have to settle with being a carrot-eater.

Parenting with doubts and worries.

When Did I Get Like This? The Screamer, The Worrier, The Dinosaur-Chicken-Nugget-Buyer & Other Mothers I Swore I'd Never Be.

I'm reading this book. I got it from the library yesterday, and today I'm a little over halfway through (thanks to Greg's late night meeting). After reading the title, I knew I had to read the book.

You see, I swore I'd never be the dirty car seat and stroller mother. You know the ones: cheerios and crumbs in every possible nook and cranny of their kid's car seat. It's not that I thought less of those parents, certainly they had reasons for not cleaning out their kid's seat. I just wasn't going to be one of them.

I did pretty well when it was just Elisa. One of my friends even commented, "My daughter has the same car seat as yours, but Elisa's looks so... clean!"

Fast forward 2 years, and yep, you guessed it. I am now a card carrying member of the Dirty Car Seat Club (well okay, that last part is made up... certainly if I had time to join a club, I'd have time to clean out the car seat.) Once I accidentally smashed a banana between the infant seat and the seat base. By the time I finally took the base out of the car to try and clean it, it wouldn't come clean any longer. Or maybe I just gave up too easily. I guess we'll never know, because unless some astonishing change happens (nesting instincts in the final days before our next child is born perhaps?), I will not be cleaning the car seat base.

Honestly, it doesn't bother me that I've become this mother. The cleanliness of the car seats is really the least of my concern these days. But there are other things that really do bother me. Am I spending enough time with Jonathan alone? Am I giving him enough attention? After all, shouldn't he be talking by now? Is it normal for older siblings to feel so jealous of younger siblings that they continually refer to themselves and demand that you refer to them as "the baby"? Are they getting enough vegetables? Enough flouride? Enough exercise? Are they under-socialized since I stay home with them? The questions go on and on. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm a good mom... just in the way that most moms are good moms: I love my kids. I spend time with my kids. I do what I think is best for them in the long run. But I know that a lot is riding on my decisions... and so I'm constantly trying to be the best mom I can be. And sometimes, fears and doubts creep in. Am I doing enough? Am I enough?

And yet, my children continue to grow and thrive. They may end up in therapy someday, lamenting that their mother was a constant worrywart, who never cleaned out the car. But for now, they are blissfully unaware of my doubts, fears, and shortcomings. A hug from Mommy is enough to calm crying, and a kiss from Mommy has magical healing power. Someday Mommy's hugs and kisses won't be enough. But when my kids get to that day, I know that God will meet them there... and He will be enough. So today I find comfort in the fact that we are all imperfect parents who do our best and let our perfect Heavenly Father do the rest.

One year

Last year on this day, we were in the hospital. We weren't quite sure what we were about to get ourselves into. What would life with two kids look like? What would the baby's personality be like? What were we going to name him?!?

Then without much labor or pain, a baby boy came into the world. He kept his eyes tightly shut for days, it seemed... like he wasn't quite sure what he had gotten himself into either. He was a big boy (9lbs. 4oz.) with huge chubby cheeks that made one wonder where his chin had gone. We named him Jonathan. He was God's gracious gift to us. He stayed up at night (even that first night) and slept all day. He wanted to nurse for long periods of time. Elisa got used to sitting beside me on the couch, reading book after book, while Jonathan nursed.

As his little personality started to show, I knew that we had just been given a total sweetheart. He smiled easily and cried rarely. When laid down in his crib, he would just fall asleep, without so much as a whimper. He was such an easy baby.

Now, a whole year has gone by. He is one. He is still a sweetheart. Still falls asleep easily. Still wakes up at night sometimes. Still smiles easily and cries rarely. He loves people... especially those he knows: Elisa, Greg, me, his grandparents.

He is starting to do things that amaze me. I think he might be slightly mechanical/spatial: he tries to build with Elisa's legos (just can't quite get them to stick together like she does); he puts toys away or into other things (the other day took the fridge magnets down and put them into a snack cup). He's very physical: loves to climb (will even climb up the step stool in the bathroom and then onto the precarious ledge of the large rubbermaid container that sits under the sink so that he can reach into the sink); crawls very fast (kind of looks like a bulldog when he's coming towards you); loves to climb stairs and is really trying to figure out how to get down stairs; will climb up the couch and onto the window sill and then stand there banging on the window and "yelling" at people who walk by.

He loves exploring. He's very curious about everything. Whenever the fridge door is open he crawls just as fast as he can to try to get there before it closes again. One time he got there in time to grab a plum and take a huge bite out of it before we could do anything. When the house door is open, he tries to escape. "He's caping, He's caping!" Leesi will yell gleefully whenever this happens. When the bathroom door is open, he loves to open the toilet lid and splash in the water, or climb onto Leesi's little potty and then play with the toilet paper.

A whole year. We've had a whole year with this little guy... and life with him just gets better and better. I am so thankful for him... for his personality, his laughter, his life. I'm thankful that we have a son, and that Elisa has a brother.

Happy Birthday Jonathan! We love you!

Mother's Day Love

In honor of Mother's Day, here are a few links to things you mother's out there might enjoy.

Here's a link to one of my favorite parenting sites, A Magical Childhood. Click on "Poems" on the left-hand side and it will take you to a bunch of great poems about pregnancy, motherhood, and kids. My favorite is called "Birth Story" and starts with...

"Ah, toots, you were a long wait.

All springs I grew watermelon-large

while you square-danced within

and told stories to my hands."

Don't you want to know how it ends?

For those of you with older kids, here's a list of questions to use to spur on conversations during family dinners.

Here's free downloadable artwork that you can print and frame. Cute, fun, and funky. Lots of them could work in a kid's room. Here's one of my favs...

Happy Mother's Day! Especially to my mom and mother-in-law. I love you both so much and value your place in my life. I am excited to live closer to both of you very soon!

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

Yesterday Elisa and I went to the grocery store together. I took the back roads because I had noticed there were horses out in a certain field and I wanted Elisa to be able to see them. So I drove really slowly past the place with the horses and we oohed and aahed together. After we had driven past the horses this was our conversation:

"I want to see horses again."

"No, I don't think we'll get to see any more horses."

"Maybe an elephant?"

"An elephant?"

"Yeah, I want to see elephants."

"No, I don't think we'll see any elephants."

"Maybe some zebras?"

"No, I don't think we'll see any zebras."

"Maybe some lions?"

"No, we probably won't see any lions. Oh, look... cows!"

She asked about all these animals in total seriousness. To her, it makes just as much sense that we would see lions on our way to the store as it does that we would see horses or cows. So funny.

This evening

John and Kristine very graciously lent us one of their digital cameras to use until we get a new one. This means I can once again take tons of pictures... even "unimportant" pictures that turn out badly and get deleted before they even hit the computer. Ah, the freedom.

So, here are some "unimportant" pictures of a very ordinary evening at our house.

I thought if I made Elisa's dinner into a face she might eat more of it. But she took three bites and then kept insisting on "fruit snacks" (which are a recent addition at our house and since they are pretty much just sugar, Elisa LOVES them.) So we bribed her to take 10 more bites so that she could get dessert. Her choices for dessert were ice cream, vanilla wafers, or fruit snacks. And yes, she chose fruit snacks.

After dinner Elisa started playing with her stickers, and before we knew it she had stuck one on Jonathan's head. He went along with it at first...

...but eventually he didn't think it was too funny.

We went on a short walk after dinner. Elisa didn't want me to take any pictures of her. But she was so cute that I snuck one anyway.

Here's Jonathan showing off his new tongue smile. He sure loves his dad. I don't know who he likes more, Greg or Elisa, but I feel like I come in third on the list... which is funny considering that I'm the food supply.

Elisa kept hopping down the stairs saying, "boing!" She is such a big girl now.

So that was our ordinary (and yet extraordinary) evening. Each day I feel so thankful for my beautiful family. I love the ages of our kids. And I love each new age and stage that comes. I love seeing them interact with each other and with Greg. I think of all the older people who tell me, "I miss the days when my kids were little; those days go by so fast. Cherish them." And I can already feel these days slipping through my fingers.

This is not to say that life is perfect (or even close to it). We still have moments during the day full of whining, crying, and fits. And some days it seems that bad moods are the norm and the lovely moments are the exception. But it's all worth it when I see two little faces smiling up at me... and I turn to meet Greg's eyes, and we shake our heads in wonder and say, "so cute."

Weary

This week has been a rough one. It started with Elisa getting sick, then Jonathan. We had two nights that Jonathan cried and needed to be held most of the night (it's so sad to see your small baby who hardly ever cries be inconsolable). Then I got sick. Then Greg left for the weekend. We were all feeling a lot better by the time Greg left (thankfully). But we're still not totally better, so we couldn't go to church this morning. Elisa is still contagious and can't be in the nursery. This also meant that while Greg was gone this weekend we couldn't spend time with anyone who has kids... so we've been pretty isolated.

I've been in a pretty okay mood about all of this... but this morning I feel really discouraged and down.

This morning God impressed this verse on my heart:

"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

My mantra as a mom of a two year old...

I will not squelch her creativity and individuality just because I want her clothes to match.

I will be consistent, even when I don't feel like it.

I will not expect too much of her, keeping in mind what is developmentally appropriate.

I will not expect too little of her, keeping in mind what is developmentally appropriate.

I will let her do things by herself, even when it means extra stain remover later.

I will not apologize or feel bad about the times that Jonathan takes me "away" from her, knowing that a sibling is one of the greatest gifts I can give her.

I will take time to sit and play with her, even when it means the dishes go undone.

I will help her learn to express her emotions in appropriate ways; it's not okay to scream and throw a fit, but she doesn't need to hide her feelings and put on a smile either.

Okay, so I guess the above items can't really be considered mantras. They're too long. They are just my goals. My real mantra is "Just make it to nap time!" and my constant breath prayer is "God, give me patience!" :-)

Locked Out

Let me just start by saying that Elisa can reach and play with doorknobs. Sometimes she can open doors. But not always.

Now that I've said that, you all know where I'm going. I've just ruined the ending for you. But bear with me.

On Wednesday of this week we had our first nice day in quite some time. It wasn't really warm... but it was sunny. And it wasn't freezing (it's been quite cold here recently). So I decided it was the perfect day for a short walk. I took the stroller outside to get it set up at the bottom of our steps. Then I went back to the front door and found it... locked! I had closed it so that Leesi wouldn't follow me outside, but I had left it unlocked. Leesi had reached up and locked it. I could hear her on the other side of the door - she was trying to turn the doorknob. So I tried to explain to her how to unlock the door. "Turn the inside part" I yelled through the door. I heard her fiddling with the doorknob. "Elisa, can you turn the inside part and open the door." "Yes." More fiddling with the doorknob. After a little while I gave up on this tactic. She wasn't going to be able to do it. So I said, "Mommy will be right back. You stay there, okay?" "Otay."

I ran as fast as I could over to the Student Development offices. Greg was in a class that he helps teach, and I didn't know where his class met. But I figured I'd get one of the secretaries in Student Development to help me either locate Greg or Campus Safety to let me in. So the secretary called Campus Safety, they happened to be off-campus at the time (don't ask me why), but they said they'd hurry back as fast as they could... and that we should call the building RD... which is Greg. So then the secretary called someone over in the building where Greg's class was taking place to go get him out of class. I ran back to my apartment.

My two biggest fears were: 1. that Elisa would figure out how to open the door while I was gone and then wander out into the parking lot. 2. that Elisa would pick this opportunity to bounce Jonathan... I had left him in his bouncy seat without the seatbelt fastened (bad idea)... and Elisa LOVES bouncing Jonathan. But she bounces him a little too exuberantly sometimes.

So I peeked in the window to see what Elisa was up to. She was sitting at the table happily coloring. When she saw me at the window she laughed and said, "peekaboo!" At this point Greg showed up and let me in. Elisa ran around the house shouting "peekaboo!" and laughing. This had been a grand adventure for her.

No harm done... I decided we should go for our walk. I made double sure that the door was unlocked and then we headed out. A little while later we returned and, guess what, the door was locked! I know I had left the door unlocked... but Campus Safety must have come by to let me in, found the door unlocked, and locked it back up again. Greg wasn't due to be out of class for another hour, and I was way to embarrassed to go back to the secretary and have her call Campus Safety again. So I decided that we would just stay outside for the next hour. Unfortunately a few minutes after I made this decision Elisa tripped and hit her head on the cement. She was hysterical, there was no way that we were going to be able to stay outside. So I headed toward Greg's class. On my way there I ran into Greg's boss who has a master key for all the dorms, and he let me back into our apartment.

After that incident I've decided I need to start carrying my keys with me at all times. Even if I'm just running out to the car, or taking out the garbage. My new fear is that Elisa will lock herself or Jonathan into an inside room (which we don't have keys for). I guess I need to learn how to pick locks in case that happens.